date: Thursday, November 05, 2009 @ 11:20 pm
title: Lamentation of a Sanguine
Lately, I have been thinking alot and saying very little. Very ironic for a Sanguine yeah?
I came to realization deep inside me is very ambivalence. Something I guess developed over time when I feel talking is pretty useless and bottling up seems to be the way of focusing and getting things done. maybe haven't found someone that I can talk freely, or maybe I have found it but it just didn't turn out the way it should be i guess.
3 months after my dreams and plans were dashed. Every morning seems like there's no point waking up and fight for, but I still wake myself up to a promise and commitment I made. Alot of times, I asked myself. why am I not that rash like a Sanguine, why I choose to deny myself, why I made myself turn against myself, to hate the way I am made... why.
People asked who is yr role model. I said I dunno, not because I dun have, but I dun feel like there's a connection. Like I'm living from a different world, a different make-up that most people dun understand who I am. to know someone is different from understand that someone. or maybe I didn't try to make myself to be understood.
but. i guess. no point. no point talking about it. I dun like to write. but I only write to keep a distance from the reader. but I like to perform, or dance, or sing. something that before I can even do anything I know its not gonna work.
That's why sometimes, i asked myself. u know u re a sanguine but why are u behaving like a melancholic. U re making yr mind to overload and disconnect.
but. i guess. no point. no point talking about it. Just gonna see how long i can last. hope that my body won't rebel again my learnt behavior. I won't take medicine or painkillers to soothe the headaches and heartaches.
Just ignore and get things done. pointless to even give a thought to it.
Change or be changed. I really dun like but I must learn to love.
That's why people thinks that I am mad. to put myself in such environment to keep getting burnt and pressured. But I guess life of a sanguine is like that. no choice. going thru the hard way of life.
induce excitement. induce creativity.
what is sadness? me.
